too random this time - i put no effort to rein it in

I just discovered. In old movies when the hero is saddened for some reason that cannot be solved by his almighty fists he sings .. well we normal people do other stuff less filmy. I for instance write. So I through that chain of thought I realised that my writing is more of a device to cope with pain. Its not a rule but thats mostly the case. So why is it that I am saddened on holi eve. When i talk to people they believe that I must be having a time of life, enjoying myself and basically worthy of being envied - all because I am in USA. But then what does being at any place do, will a dying man be happier just because he is living in switzerland or in paris. No, thats a basic immaturity of folks, I cannot be innocent of this crime myself - I used to think so just few months back to some extent. Ya this is pretty obvious but it does pain you when you realise that your suffering is going unrecognised rather misinterpreted and even envied.! 

So the thing is I havent written a diary for a while - by diary I mean not a thing recording what happened but what I thought. Because thoughts like time fly by, you seem to retain only a few seemingly important ones. But then there are things that you would like to know later on but it slips your tiny brain. 

So here I am blogging my thought out in the world naked for everyone to see. Doesnt that make me an exhibitionist - I am not sure. An exhibitionist in the known literary senses is somewhat of a repulsion for various people including myself but come to think of it exposing your body is less weird than opening your mind and thoughts to everyone. Why there is nothing new in any body but every mind has something peculiar and new in it (at least mine does). But exposing it is not blasphemy as it probably should be. Well I dont know - a closed mind doesnt really spread out new ideals and thoughts if you think in that sense.

So I have discovered that this is what my style is in writing- I guess I am more consious than I should be about my style - part of the reason being that I sometimes fancied(or rather still do fancy) myself to be a writer of sorts - but well then I should produce coherent, free flowing, seemingly effortless stuff - but boy have I realised that it is though to take a dictation from the mind and compose it in a decorative language at the same time. I could write it down first and then perhaps try to beautify it - but that would be cheating and somewhat fake - so I tend to keep a clear consious and provide readers( if any :D - my lame humor is glued to me tight, there is one regular reader i believe) this incoherent piece of unintentional crap. 

Well seeing that I have creative juices flowing today and that I have typed this whole thing till now without a pause to think, I should probably go on till it goes - just to see how much I can write without actually saying anything of much consequence. That will be a fun experiment - for me at least.

So coming back to the original topic - why is it that I am sad on a jolly holi day. Well the thing is that its nothing new, nothing that anyone can change and not anything weird. I mean I guess almost everyone has this kind of trouble give or take a little in magnitute.  But the reason is that the most important person from my perspective is what I think about most and am effected by him - and as it turns out for me its myself. Thats the case for most normal people. So that explains sadness as a result of environment and some problems( wont go into details - ya am cutting that supply of masala) so why today then. Hmm still figuring it out, I guess you tend to miss people more in times of 'fun that could be but it not to be'. Not a very innovative answer I know - but then thats the best I got - guess becuz its the most sensible one. 

I am beginning to realise how much of a narcassist I am turning into - I am writing this as basically a record of my talks to myself - it is a weird minute of the meeting that I am having with myself. Well from my viewpoint.

Kind of a different track now. I was thinking why/how do old friends/friendships die out. Its not a machine made of nuts and bolts that just die out of wear and tear. I have seen many (some including myself as a member) friendships die out as a star out of fuel. The reason is distance - well in most cases it is an important part. But there are other reasons such as girls, economic divide, ego and many other follies that man has created to nullify all his intelligent gifts given in the form of such wonderful things. And the thing is it saddens my heart to see that indifference also figures among them - ya its not for an egotist to admit it out in the open - but thats why I name no names and I am sure no one knows exactly who I am talking about - because I myself am not sure. he he .. Ya I meant the general trend of people in general out of which some are important to you. I guess I am going to make a novel of crap if I dont stop, so I will force a stop at this point.  

But ya continued this whole thing w/o a pause. I can produce good volume work if not good work. . lol