Sustaining Love

Some thoughts I found somewhere - not mine but worth sharing.

Every relationship has a cycle...In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love. 

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU. Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfilment. Extramarital fulfilment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this): The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner). Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know and apply these laws, the results are predictable. 

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling. 

Working hard for love

They say 'All is fair in love and war'. I will leave the war part for politicians and their bosses. When it comes to love, how much is too much? I agree (almost completely) that all is fair as long as it applies to a third person. But think of yourself and the object of your affection in a different light. You don't want to lose all your self respect / pride even for love - if for no other reason, for the reason that it is very difficult / nigh impossible to love someone without any self esteem. In the case of the one you love, you don't want to leave any stone unturned to convince him/her of your love but in the end you don't want to con someone into thinking they love you. You want to let them make a decision on their own.

How funny is it that the most complex issues have the simplest and most fundamental logic in their solutions. We all have heard of the sand in the hand bit. Same applies to love - the one issue that we agree has been persistently a mystery to all. I do not say I have the magic formula for all problems love related or even an understanding of all issues but if we remember the story of the sand in the hand we can do better.

Why so few Agnostics?

Agnosticism is more about keeping the temperature in control and being not hot headed about your idealogies regarding things which do not by your volition matter - it is not just about religion. I can be agnostic to rock music, technology, politics or whatever if I fell disinclined to give any importance to. So obviously recruiting for agnostics is a paradox like fighting for peace. It may be said that my musings are also a feeble attempt at recruitment of agnostics - not really, they are more intended for awareness and to pen my own ideas/thoughts.
Now then how do agnostics come into being then, because they are not recruited nor are they born into. They are born in the correct way actually - by their calling. In fact so low is the knowledge of the principles of agnosticism that many with an agnostic bent of mind are not aware of it and go on to be practising theists. This is not a desirable thing but it is better than going on a recruitment binge - for it will be against the core principle and ideologies.

Vanity v/s Pride

Oft repeated topic I guess but one that still hasn't lost it's importance or necessity as there is still widespread ignorance on the matter. We acknowledge that vanity and pride are difficult to distinguish. When you see a person it is very easy to see his pride as vanity - the simple reason is we as a species are a sceptical bunch. We at times see the most pessimistic possibility and believe it to be a fact. This is well known to anyone who has read Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice'. In the book the female protagonist sees the pride of the male protagonist in his conduct as conceit and vanity. It is through luck that she sees the true character and they end up together. Alas such is not the case mostly in  real life, we continue to make negative impressions of our colleagues, classmates, neighbours or whomever we happen to see in that pessimistic light.
What then is the answer to this sad happening - as usual there is no panacea, there is no simple way to discern whether the person we see as vain/conceited is so or not. All we can do it to have a more open mind, to take chances and to give chances to people around us. Open up to them a little to know more so as to make a better guess and in case we still are unsure, perhaps have a neutral opinion on such people.

Love becomes hate

I have always tried to uphold my few basic principles to guide my actions instead of my feelings. My idea is that when you don't feel something that is right if you still go by the principles and con yourself into believing the right thing it may help shift your true feelings. One of these is that one cannot hate, wish ill or have any negative feeling towards the one he or she has ever liked or cared about. But does this not make you stifle yourself. When you know you have been wronged and you still know that to maintain the respect of the love that you once had for this person - you keep all the negative feelings bottled inside and put a smile even when your heart is sore. Perhaps it is not a very good idea - perhaps it is rather better to hate (within limits), to let out that rage to get a feeling of vengeance at times when there is a reason for it. If you have been mistreated and continue to supress the reaction out of propriety it will just increase the burden on your heart. Guess this just goes on to prove that my premise that following your principles instead of your heart will make you a better man eventually - was wrong.

travelogues

First of all I dont want to sound neither like a NRI snob nor a rustic going ga ga over the desh ki mitti while writing this, so I will try my best to stick to bare facts and observations I made. So I have reasons for being both - I am a cynic and thus tend to seek perfection and criticize a lot when not found and at the same time am not really keen to criticize a bit too much because of my impending permanent shift to India a few years down the line.
So the run up to the trip was quite sensational got into a mad rush to set everything straight before leaving, somehow things started falling into place by themselves. No need for boring gory details - basically it was very hectic and a lot could go wrong but events mostly seemed to unfurl in a way that was positive for me.
Anywho .. the travel was not going to be good and I made sure of that with the tickets I booked. I cut short by already short trip further by taking So instead of a 3 hour stopover at washington one for 15 hour (slight oversight with regards to AM/PM in the timings at the time of booking tickets) . To make matters worse I somehow felt that I could wait it out at the terminal with my laptop, music phone and a lot of international minutes. Well I did make it, but very soon it was quite apparent that it was not a good decision.
I will skip the minor troubles I had in finding the boarding gate for the flight to Delhi - it was expected considering my limited experience of traveling through large airports. I was dreading a crummy aircraft and dreading that my travails would be heightened by the fact that the flight time for almost a whole day for me. But the craft turned out to be pretty nice, the staff .. I will be neutral I guess. Not as thoroughly professional and hospitalable but efficient nonetheless, so anyone looking for airline suggestions - AI is definitely okay if not the best choice.
So fellow passengers, I do not interact much with strangers but I did notice a few interesting characters, this american group of students going to Delhi to know India as part of their course - one of them was somewhat funny. The unavoidable bong bitch glaring at everyone. And the really really stereotypical aunty wanting to get a window seat and creating a fuss over the seat assignment. I got a similar seat as her and I was pretty happy with it, so I wondered what the fuss was about. Anyways she did manage to have her way in the end. Then of course the rustic uncle sitting next to me - making me fill his arrival immigration info card and the lady with the kid. Not much of a nuisance but still funny how I tended to stereotype so many of them. Then another fellow making a fuss over the name of the city being Kolkata and not Calcutta. I don't get it how people get the impression that this is a particularly funny or innovative joke. Then the guy peeping into my screen as I type this post(later I saw every male eye in the same direction and realised what it meant - there was a TV screen behind me and nothing short of a one day cricket match of India was on :D)
So arrival in India - New Delhi.. had to catch another flight from here to Kolkata. So here came the funny part. When the guy issuing the new boarding pass asked me how many bags I had checked in and wrote it on a piece of paper - I couldn't help remembering stories of people losing their luggage. Well I assured myself that at least it would have reached Delhi, so well I don't know how much of a difference that makes but still that was all I could do to fortify hopes. Then came the funny part. So while we nagged and cussed over the fact that we had to go through another security check at JFK - NY (desis/americans alike), not even a murmur was heard when we were told to do the same at Delhi.
So there I proceed to gate 1 where my flight is supposed to depart. I was pleasantly surprised to see a sign beckoning passengers to use free WiFi while they wait. I swished out my laptop and to my wonder it asked for a password. I said oh well at least they intend to provide some services and its the intentional that counts.. blah blah. [Nevertheless later I found out that we need to register ourselves to get a password, where should we know that is something I am clueless about] So I thought fine, I will simply write this entry. Perhaps a couple of people might even read it someday (when I force them)
Fact is there is such thorough unprofessionalism that its funny and sad at the same time. And avoid it as much as you can, there is no way you can be blind enough to find it perfectly alright. I guess the problem was more that I was getting weary of the wait and cranky. Anyway I will skip the rants about the last flight, just suffice to say never take Indian Airlines for domestic travel - seriously.
Even after being repeatedly told not to come - my oldest bud was there waiting at the gate with another friend. So now time for reactions. I was expecting that I look fat, maybe fair and a darkhorse was more umm smart or something but Kaani gave me a googly - he says I look tall !! he he he
And then came the moment I was waiting for a long time.. meeting my family. I will skip the details.
I was afraid everything would turn unknown and things changed but not too much. So after being forced into bed I wondered should jet lag hit me now .. well I tried to sleep for 3 whole hours, seeking the aid of music, that generally helps but not this time.  Got a lot of things to do & people/places to visit - should be a good trip. Gonna get some shut eye somehow.
I think I will keep the rest of the entries as personal notes, not post them.

Musings on relationships - III

This is another of those subjects which comes up due to the inexplicably complex constitution of the female mind and the weird behavior we poor men have to put up with. So I will start from the basics instead of talking about the issue which will eventually be led to this fundamental question - what do women want? Come to think of it - it is so very confusing a topic - they even made a movie of the same name :D
Anyway they want a guy to be firm and respectable, basically one who cuts a miserable figure, one who is persistent is seen as one without a backbone and/or self-respect. So this sounds good for both sides - men get to maintain their pride and the women get upright companions. But the problem is not as simple - they also want to be pampered - these same woment. If there were two kinds of women and each had their particular choice of men - it wont be a problem, but the same woman wants a guy to pamper her crazy. She wants him to call her 10 times even when she doesn't return his calls - to constantly ask her out even if she is non-chalant about the whole thing. So what do poor men do? Do they make a remote for themselves and give it to their ladies to switch from the two sides back and forth? On a serious note there needs to be a solution for this which is less fantastic and more practical. Whether we will be able to find it anytime sooon is doubtful though. I see it as a dilemma as you do not want to bring ego when it comes to love and then again you should not lose your pride for anything or anyone.

Musings on relationships - II

Someone told me to write a sequel to one of my articles. So then there are some people more free than me so as to actually read the crap. The article in question was on how not to give the right to hurt you to someone in a hurry. It is required of me to outline the steps for actually identifying such a person whom you can give this right to. I promised I will give it a try so I will though I don't believe I can. So we know that for us such people are relationships that are not done for any gain, it is something we do unknowingly - basically you do not really have control over the choice of people. What you can best do is to delay things till you are sure. So I change the question as to when can you be relatively sure. Well once you think you have reached that state you need to evaluate - and think about our relationship and see if things are  as sweet as they seem or are you doing some wishful tihnking. So you spend a lot of time together, you go out a lot. But this doesn't mean anything. Any relationship is two way (feelings are one way) and you have to see that there is give and take from both sides. Now when I say give and take I mean that in terms of things like money, love, affection, power, protection or any amenities or privileges. And certainly there is no measure involved, no need to match gestures. All there is needed is an intent to give and to care from the person you take. Now it is not an easy task, and I don't think saying what I have said really helps much. There will be a lot of difficult signs to read still and to interpret them. I guess I am at most (hopefully) pointing people (at least one person who asked me to write this :D ) in the right direction.

Musings on relationships - I

How and why humans interact and develop relationships is a largely unknown and unpredictible thing and the insignificant knowledge that psychologists claim to have developed is very esoteric and (I believe) largely erroneous. So here I will try to pen some of my thoughts and see some things become progressively clearer and perhaps even share some of my attempts to conquer this befuddlement. I don't care about how or why you tend to like some people and not others. But after you realize you like someone, they tend to constantly occupy your thoughts and on rare occasions even alter your decisions and thus your life. But the trouble is deciding the level of the relationship or giving it a name. You can be employer-employee, acquaintances, friends, buddies, bros (I see these last three as levels of friendships :D ) or in love (there might be degrees to this feeling of love too which I am yet to discover, I somehow feel it would be just one level for this kind of relationship) and possibly many more that I can't think of right now.
I don't think there is anything interesting enough to discuss in the employer-employee relationships - but for the others there are some things to be said. Sometimes when you meet a person you can develop a liking for him/her instantly, but there might not be an equal reciprocation. So does that mean you fret over it or let the friendship go? No, you tend to adjust your degree of interest and likeness and let things evolve - basically get to a common page somehow. I reckon this is such an obvious thing that we do it subconsciously most of the times. If we dig deep into our memory, we will find people we liked and wanted to befriend but are just acquaintances with or sometimes the other way round too! The issue becomes more serious when there is love involved - if one of the people develops romantic feelings for the other and there is no such feeling from the other side - it spells misery for both and their relationship. What we don't realize is that when there is mutual liking between two people, it is a bridge connecting them, whether the bridge is a shear one or collosal and strong one doesn't matter as much as long as there is a connection. Or to say it more simply as long as the relationship exists, the name of it matters considerably less. So what I mean is - if you love someone, and there is no reciprocation, having a relationship of friendship should make you happy as well.
Thinking more practically, girls are such complex creatures that there is constant confusion over their behavior and you find it difficult to be sure of what level you are mutually connected with them. Added to that they are very good at losing their temper, so if you misinterpret anything there is bound to be retribution. So even at the cost of not being understanding, you need to ask them to make explicit the goings on of their heads. Thats not a panacea but then everything in life is too realistic to be idealistic and hence no formula can be derived for any part of it. This is just one of the solutions that I think should be tried once in your attempts at breaking from the state of befuddlement !

Suicide

Why does someone kill himself. Most of the people we hear about kill themselves out of want for something - whether it is the student not able to cope with the educational pressure or the poor soul who cannot feed his family or a rejected lover who cannot find a way of carrying on without his beloved. The rest are termed as suffering from mental illness depression or something similar which basically means that he who killed himself was not in his right frame of mind to have taken such a decision. I believe there is another very important category of people that people either cannot understand or choose not to. Aren't there amongst us a whole many who just cant find a place to fit, people for whom there is no joy in the living and a whole lot of suffering. And to choose death over life would be a very profitable decision for the kind. How cant such a person be out of his mind when he can be lucid enough to identify each choice and the consequence of each of them. There are people who would want to kill themselves but do not do so just because they feel there is are responsibilities on them that they cannot just overlook. They have to live for the few people who love them and to repay kindness they might have received, do repay a loan that they have on their soul. These people think of new ways of suicide everyday - almost everyday and the reason for not taking the plunge is not always fear - it can be one of these chains that the world has put on them. For courage is something that the person can gather over the years - after all it takes just one moment of courage to end it all and a whole lot more courage to carry on. The problem is that such people are not very different - they look the same (or 'normal' which is the term in use most frequently) as any other person, the only difference is that their zest for life is non-existent and they hate every moment of life forced upon them. I know my last few statements are somewhat vague but then so is the state of mind of such people.