Under the yoke of the past

`Why is there so much discrimination in this world? There are obviously people who seek to gain from them. But this is of course not the intent that can be put forward when you want the society to accept this as a policy. The intent is that we as human beings seek to find ways to predict and make the choices most probable to be good for us. We are not machines and as such we like to make reasonable (though often inaccurate) guesses. This is why if a certain sect feels that they have in the past being wronged by another one - they tend to treat people belonging to the rival sect as their rivals. The presumption is not too unreasonable - going by statistics and history there is a reasonable probability of their premonition being true. But what they do not see is that how much unfair it is to the ones in whose case this calculation was wrong. There are ones that do not seek to harm them or their sect - even though this may be a good probability. There is a popular principle in law - let a hundred accused go unpunished rather than punish an innocent one. This principle is certainly not followed here.

This is analogous to the case of a person with a bad past. As he has done something wrong in the past - we tend to believe in the worst of him and not give him a chance. We have this weird dilemma. We need to protect ourselves and as we cannot know for sure whether to trust this person or not - we do the best thing possible for our defence. We predict based on prior behaviour of the person. This is perhaps the best defence strategy and hence justified. But in being just to ourselves - we are being unjust to the other person. We do not give him a chance to make amends, to change his ways. If we continue to mistrust him there is not way that the person can reform.

There is this human side to all things as well. It is of course up to us whether we want to be humane or not. I go by the principle - do not expect from others what you do not give them yourselves. To believe in an entity which rules above all forms of reason / logic and number - the heart. I cannot say believe in the best of everyone (it takes a Buddhist to do that) but do not shut down anyone just because logic says so. If there is an attempt by the person to make amends and if he is lucky enough that we feel his conviction we should give him another chance. Perhaps being still cautious is our duty to ourselves but give another chance where we get that feeling from the inside. That is being human and I would prefer that to any increased probability of making correct choices!

Pillars of happiness shaken

What do we need to be happy? Its different things for different people.. money, love, beauty, success, family, career, etc. Most people (who are not downright miserable with their lives) manage to be ensconced with whatever they have in their lives. These things are akin to pillars in our lives and they bring us happiness - they are perhaps the pillars of happiness in our lives. There are still many demands, dreams and misgivings from life but we tend to take the things we have for granted. We find it inconceivable to imagine a world without the the support of these pillars. These provide us something greater than physical comforts, the comfort of having our desires fulfilled - of having the things that matter to us. But there are times when a drastic event may take away something that forms an integral part of our lives - the death of a loved one, financial loses, loss of self-respect, losing a job, health, fights in the family etc.. Again it can be different things for different people .. it is the loss of someone or something that holds dear importance in our lives.
We being insignificant beings eventually come to terms with the fact that there is nothing we can do about the event and that the happening could not be controlled and continuing is the only option. This is very normal. But there are a few unlucky souls who are haunted by a sense of guilt. The problem is that in bad times most people seek to find reasons for the problem. Some find it easy to blame fate for it and use this to practice a whole bunch of stupid superstitions. Then there are a few who tend to blame others and seek vengeance for it. The third and perhaps the most unfortunate kind are the ones who blame themselves - there is no struggle when you are punishing yourself and as such the impasse continues and sense of guilt grows.

What we need to look at is that as the problems in life are not mechanical - there can be no factual answer to the question of who or what is responsible for them. In most cases there can be no correct answer and so we cannot know the answer.
We imagine different combinations of events and try to find one that would prevent the loss of our dear one/possession. So eventually all the ifs and thens that we may think up during this desperate act of imaging a solution we come up with nothing meaningful. The simple reason being that life is not based on logic - some things are too complex to be governed by rules or logic.
If we feel that there is something in us that could have lead to such a loss - we should seek to remove it. That is our responsibility. We do not need to lose something to do that - the sad part is that most times these losses make us take a closer look at ourselves and this is when we realize our follies. So instead of blaming our follies for the loss we suffer - we should seek to make amends and be happy that with the loss came a small gain. Live life in a constructive manner and life will grow new buds to replace the fallen flowers.

Musings on relationships - V

Is there a right time for love is the question. Does it in any way help if you are in a good position in your life when you meet the special someone for you. Will it be any different if you met the same person when you are not in the best of your times. The obvious answer is it shouldn't matter but we know it does. It does matter whether the times you meet your soulmate things are favorable for your relationship. Love like all things strong is not invincible. It sometimes needs a bit of help as well. But that was very obvious. The other question is does the right time make you like someone you would not have liked otherwise. I mean if you are happy with everthing in life or feel the need for a companion - does it make it easier to like any person in such times? I am afraid it does at times and it is a very sad thing that it does. Good times and other factors are supposed to be just catalysts and not change anything - specially not the person you like. If it does it is not a catalyst and so the product coming out of it is not love.

Musings on relationships - IV

The problem in life lies in the fact that everything that makes perfect sense in theory is a nightmare to apply in practice, more so for relationships. Relationships are perhaps the more complex entities to understand as they involve the interaction and depend on the random behaviour of all people involved. Making it hard to understand or predict anything going on objectively. Also nothing in life happens in a controlled isolated environment, there are a million things going on in parallel which affect the matter we are looking at.
Whatever any popular/widely accepted sayings may say, to love someone doesn't mean to have him/her through any means - you need to preserve the respect of your partner as well as yourself. Like I said earlier, when we are thinking of our relationships and trying to make them work, there are other forces at play which make the reactions of everyone/everything we do so unpredictable. There is that communication barrier which exists even between the most connected pair of people. So what do we do? Also there are limits and weaknesses that we succumb to often, impatience and that urge to do something we know is not sensible/right. Specially when it comes to matters of the heart, we find it hard to listen to logic (in the rare occasion that we can see the logic). 

How much is too much when it comes to working for relationships or for love? Once we have done everything in our power to convince the other of our love - do we still go on? Perhaps not, for we need to have a mutual passion in any relationship, there needs to be a response from the other too. 

If there is no response after that, then perhaps it is better to brace yourself, control those urges (to do just that last bit more to make it work somehow) and rather be alone. And more importantly accept the fact that there may be other facts which we are clueless about and so making any irrevocable stand is perhaps not sensible.

Agnosticism & Passiveness

Agnosticism as an ideology is non confrontational. Does that make agnostics cowards? I don't think so, fact is that they are rather more rational in every action they take. They avoid any confrontation for the sake of confrontation, and have the sense to preserve their energy for the battles that matter. So if cricket doesn't matter to me I will just be passive about any comments/actions of people around me with respect to it. I won't debate if someone says Sachin is over-hyped or anything that sounds stupid or is disputable. But the idea that agnostics are passive is not irrational either. To be agnostic about certain things is obviously sensible, but as living beings we need to be passionate about certain (self-chosen) things - music, movies, sports, politics, business, education or whatever appeals to us. As a human being if there is no passion on any matter, then it does make such a person very non-alive. We need to be leaders in our right, how successful we are is inconsequential - but the attempt to lead people in the area we are good at and/or interested in is the basic responsibility of everyone. Everything innovative and productive has it's root in the passion of someone. It is therefore our responsibility to try to give something back to the world through our passion.
I realized this because I noticed that I am agnostic in terms of religion, sports perhaps, music to a little extent and many other things and I am very vocal in expressing my opinion about other things .. funny though it may sound -these include grammar, politics, respect for women, cooking and manners. I was happy to realize that I am not an agnostic in all matters - just in matters I chose to be inconsequential to me

Sustaining Love

Some thoughts I found somewhere - not mine but worth sharing.

Every relationship has a cycle...In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love. 

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU. Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfilment. Extramarital fulfilment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this): The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner). Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know and apply these laws, the results are predictable. 

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling. 

Working hard for love

They say 'All is fair in love and war'. I will leave the war part for politicians and their bosses. When it comes to love, how much is too much? I agree (almost completely) that all is fair as long as it applies to a third person. But think of yourself and the object of your affection in a different light. You don't want to lose all your self respect / pride even for love - if for no other reason, for the reason that it is very difficult / nigh impossible to love someone without any self esteem. In the case of the one you love, you don't want to leave any stone unturned to convince him/her of your love but in the end you don't want to con someone into thinking they love you. You want to let them make a decision on their own.

How funny is it that the most complex issues have the simplest and most fundamental logic in their solutions. We all have heard of the sand in the hand bit. Same applies to love - the one issue that we agree has been persistently a mystery to all. I do not say I have the magic formula for all problems love related or even an understanding of all issues but if we remember the story of the sand in the hand we can do better.

Why so few Agnostics?

Agnosticism is more about keeping the temperature in control and being not hot headed about your idealogies regarding things which do not by your volition matter - it is not just about religion. I can be agnostic to rock music, technology, politics or whatever if I fell disinclined to give any importance to. So obviously recruiting for agnostics is a paradox like fighting for peace. It may be said that my musings are also a feeble attempt at recruitment of agnostics - not really, they are more intended for awareness and to pen my own ideas/thoughts.
Now then how do agnostics come into being then, because they are not recruited nor are they born into. They are born in the correct way actually - by their calling. In fact so low is the knowledge of the principles of agnosticism that many with an agnostic bent of mind are not aware of it and go on to be practising theists. This is not a desirable thing but it is better than going on a recruitment binge - for it will be against the core principle and ideologies.

Vanity v/s Pride

Oft repeated topic I guess but one that still hasn't lost it's importance or necessity as there is still widespread ignorance on the matter. We acknowledge that vanity and pride are difficult to distinguish. When you see a person it is very easy to see his pride as vanity - the simple reason is we as a species are a sceptical bunch. We at times see the most pessimistic possibility and believe it to be a fact. This is well known to anyone who has read Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice'. In the book the female protagonist sees the pride of the male protagonist in his conduct as conceit and vanity. It is through luck that she sees the true character and they end up together. Alas such is not the case mostly in  real life, we continue to make negative impressions of our colleagues, classmates, neighbours or whomever we happen to see in that pessimistic light.
What then is the answer to this sad happening - as usual there is no panacea, there is no simple way to discern whether the person we see as vain/conceited is so or not. All we can do it to have a more open mind, to take chances and to give chances to people around us. Open up to them a little to know more so as to make a better guess and in case we still are unsure, perhaps have a neutral opinion on such people.

Love becomes hate

I have always tried to uphold my few basic principles to guide my actions instead of my feelings. My idea is that when you don't feel something that is right if you still go by the principles and con yourself into believing the right thing it may help shift your true feelings. One of these is that one cannot hate, wish ill or have any negative feeling towards the one he or she has ever liked or cared about. But does this not make you stifle yourself. When you know you have been wronged and you still know that to maintain the respect of the love that you once had for this person - you keep all the negative feelings bottled inside and put a smile even when your heart is sore. Perhaps it is not a very good idea - perhaps it is rather better to hate (within limits), to let out that rage to get a feeling of vengeance at times when there is a reason for it. If you have been mistreated and continue to supress the reaction out of propriety it will just increase the burden on your heart. Guess this just goes on to prove that my premise that following your principles instead of your heart will make you a better man eventually - was wrong.